When I first started working on this website, I was thinking to myself, "I'm so skillful, I might be 'in remission' from BPD, and I want to share these skills with everyone on the internet who will listen!" HAHAHA. Maybe what was really going on is that I could sense some unraveling around the corner and a need to recommit to being skillful in the first place.

The last day has been... intense. Every minor frustration has me in tears. I hung up on coworker today. I yelled at the TV last night (and then immediately felt guilty because my dog was in the room so I cried and apologized for a half hour). Every 10 minutes I'm annoyed that technology doesn't function the way I think it's supposed to. I'm being willful and my ability to tolerate distress is minimal. My old thought patterns have come back to hang out in my head again.

why do I suck at everything? everything sucks. I hate everything. fuck everything.

And, to top it all off, my body is breaking out in eczema rashes, making me extremely uncomfortable; so throw in some "get me out of here" too.

I'm not even going through anything major right now. My only stressor lately has been money but like, that's been the situation for me for my entire adulthood, and I normally don't care (because I hate capitalism). But the thing is, one stressor is enough to throw me out of balance. Having an overdrawn bank account, whether I ascribe to capitalism or not, is stressful, even if I have enough food to get through to payday. And I forget sometimes, especially if I've been "doing well" lately with managing my emotions, that I have to step up my skillfulness game when any extra stressor pops up. When you have BPD, your emotional baseline is already higher than most people's, and every stressor just puts that baseline higher. And it sucks for us, because people looking at us from the outside say things to us like "it's not that big of a deal" and "you are overreacting" and "calm down." Or, if you're kind of a recluse like me who's internalized some of this crap, you say this shit to yourself! So, before I spiral out, I am going to try really hard to amp up my emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills. First step, emotion regulation: try to start planning meals so a) I stop running out of money a week before payday from spending too much money at restaurants and deliveries to cease hangry moments and b) so I eat more regularly and develop a healthier relationship with food. This should go a long way in reducing my emotional baseline. Second step, emotion regulation & distress tolerance: clean my house at least twice a week because a) I've been doing it every other week lately and living in a dog hair filth zone doesn't allow me to fully relax b) cleaning has always been a great distraction from bursts of emotion when I need to calm down.

Ooof, writing that all down helped a little. So that's a start.

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